Friday, August 9, 2013

Love With All Your Heart

Hi Everyone, a sad day for me today.  A year ago today my father died.  I've taken the day off of work to be with my mom and quite honestly because I have been suffering this whole week.  My father was a great man, kind, loving, gentle, passionate, supportive, strong--he was every good thing you can imagine under the sun.  He died due to complications of chemotherapy.  His first chemotherapy treatment put him in the hospital and he never came home.  It's very hard to watch someone you love die in front of your eyes.  And while this is not the first time it's happened to me--as my beautiful sister, Lisa, died of breast cancer 4 years ago, this has been harder on me than Lisa's passing.  Lisa suffered for years.  She fought against her cancer for 8 years and the last year was a terminal diagnosis and seeing her wither away to nothing in front of me was awful.  In the end I was so glad for my sister's death as she was finally free from the pain and suffering.

My father's death was sudden and unexpected.  While he did have leukemia that needed to be treated, we had been assured a few times most likely his cancer would outlive him.  His chemotherapy treatment put him in renal failure.  He was admitted to the ICU and was given dialysis which actually saved his live.  And while the chemo drugs did in fact lower his white blood count drastically they also comprised his body and just when we thought he was out of the water and would be coming home he suffered a subdural hematoma and this resulted in his death.

His brain had been gone for 2 days, but his heart fought so long and so hard to stay alive--to keep him with us.

This is how much he loved us.

I hope you all have someone who loves you that much and that you love others that much in return.  I hope you love so strong and fierce that you will fight to the bitter end to stay with those you love.

This is a very difficult time for me.  My father was the best men I ever knew.  He never spoke down to me, he always encouraged me, he showed me love every single time we talked or were together.  He never made me feel stupid or unworthy.  Even though he had 3 daughters he acted as if each one of us was the most precious gift he had been given.  I learned so much from him but most of all I learned what it was like to be loved.

Visiting him in the hospital in his room after the ICU where things were looking so good for him to be coming home he told me I should leave before he gets dark.  I still laugh thinking about this.  He was worried about me driving in the dark.  I told him I'd been driving in the dark for 34 years LOL.  On my way out I told him I loved him and he said to me "I love you more than you know"  I looked at him, tears immediately filling my eyes and said, No Dad, I DO know.  I do know how much you love me and I feel it everyday"

The last words my father spoke to me before his brain started to fill with blood were "Honey you look so pretty tonight"

There are no regrets that I didn't get to see him or didn't get to tell him I loved him or didn't get to hear him tell me he loved me.  We told each other we loved each other every time we spoke.

Make sure you do the same.  Tell your friends and your family how much you love them--show them how much you love them.  You never know when your last day or their last day may be.

Last year the first day I had to return to work after my father's death I really started to fall apart while walking out the door.  I had no idea how I was going to go on without "my daddy"  It doesn't matter how old you are a little girl has a daddy even if she's 50.  I opened the door to step outside and there on a bright and sunny day was the biggest, brightest rainbow I had ever seen.  And I felt such a comfort rush over me.  And I knew, I just knew this rainbow was my dad and he was saying, "it's okay honey--you'll be okay.  I love you and I'll always be with you"  My entire drive into work I could see that rainbow.

I wear this manicure today thinking of dad and how much I miss him, but also knowing how much he loved me

I hope you share your love today with your friends and family.


  1. Your post brought tears to my eyes... Thank you so much for sharing this... So sorry you had to go through this :(. What a beautiful mani to honor your dad!

  2. I am so so sorry for your loss lady. I can't even imagine the pain you and your mother must be feeling. I hope you take peace knowing that he's not in pain any more and he loved you both with all of his heart. He is still here , maybe not physically but in the memories I'm sure you keep close to your heart. Your nails are always so beautiful and today is no exception. I'm so very sorry again Laurie

  3. So sorry you're having to go through this :( I know exactly how you feel. I lost my dad & uncle suddenly in a car accident 11 years ago. It's really hard for the first few years, and while you never get over it, of course, it gets easier as time goes by. Also, good for you for taking time to be with your mother!

    Take care Laurie... and your nails look beautiful!

  4. I wanna give you a big ol' hug. Just squeeze you and let you know how much this meant to me. I needed to read this today. I work with my family and my father and I run the business. At times it can be really stressful as he and I are very different people so sometimes I wanna ring his neck. Today when he gets here I am going to give him a big bear hug and tell him how much I love him.
    I am so sorry for you loss, I honestly can't imagine the pain you are feeling. But I am glad you are with your family and you can share fond memories today about your father.
    And glad he woke you up with a rainbow. :)

  5. This is a beautiful memorial to your Dad! It is always to tough dealing with the death of someone loved so much! My thoughts and prayers go to you and your family today! :)

  6. This was a beautiful post, thank you for sharing your story with us:) Thinking of you!

  7. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I too watched my father die, 11 years ago, but it still seems so unbelievable that he is gone! He too was "My Daddy" even though I have grandchildren of my own & did at that time. It does get easier to live with this type of loss, though the sadness is always just below the surface. Yes he is watching over you just like mine is watching over me.

  8. hugs - always here for you xx